INTRODUCTION
An astute observer, while visiting a prison, asked why the inmates wore their shoes in bed. The guide, familiar with the intricate workings of prison life replied, “Fights seldom occur, but in that rare case, the added traction of shoes on the painted concrete floors could mean life or death. You don’t have traction in socks.” A primary survival technique in such a violent and toxic environment as a prison, but the analogy seemed to ring with resounding truth. A powerful metaphor not just describing prison life, but life in the “free world.”
I seem to be slipping—a lot. I would think that I could eventually learn to avoid those pitfalls where I plummet into days, weeks and even months of “dark-night-of-soul.” My course across the smooth painted surface of life has been precarious at best. Sometimes the walk is easy -even a short spurt of speed and a flawless slide across the smooth floor in my socks. Those times make me smile. But then there’s times when fleeing from fear that I helplessly struggle to get my feet under me as I careen into a wall. Something like a dog running with wild abandon across the tile floor of the kitchen and smashing into the cabinets as he tried to make the turn. What simple tools am I lacking that could give me support and traction as a good pair of shoes can provide when navigating that metaphorical smooth concrete floor of life.
One night I had a vivid dream where an ancient aquatic race of this planet (hidden deep under the ocean) presented human-kind with a gift that instantly altered the course of our evolution. The gift was a simple orb—small enough to fit in the palm of your hand and Alive! It was actually a living organism. These orbs somehow had a telepathic connection with the person holding it. The orbs were connected with the combined consciousness of the entire human race. All knowledge, feeling, emotions, and ideas of every living soul on this planet from the very beginning of life was instantly accessible. With an orb in your hand there were no longer secrets, hidden agendas, or conspiracies. Every thought of every individual was instantaneously obtainable. Every book, creative idea, invention, every scrap of knowledge—no matter how insignificant, was there just by forming a question in your mind.
As I was handed an orb, I panicked. Anyone and everyone would know everything about me. They would know my feeling, my thoughts, my desires and ambitions. My personal privacy would be totally obliterated. My heart and mind raced forward to what I believed would be chaos beyond reason. Then something unexpected happened. I noticed that soon after someone received an orb, they would gently settle down into a seated position then tears would begin to flow down their cheeks. I looked down at the small orb in my hand and pure, undefiled truth flowed into me. I had complete understanding of any person that crossed my mind. Where I first believed I would be filled with judgment and spite towards anyone that had caused me physical or emotional pain, I was instead overcome with something entirely unexpected. LOVE? This sensation existed within me on a scale that I can’t describe. I understood everyone perfectly and I knew they understood me. I understood how life had led them to make the choices they did. I felt their deep-rooted remorse of wrong choices made. I saw their confusions and fears, their feelings of isolation and separation. I related with their needs to be understood and their frustration in not being able to share their innermost feelings and desires with others. I saw everyone as if I was looking in a mirror of my own countenance. They were me and I was them; distinct but intimately connected. We all shared similar desires and intentions. Everyone was searching for the same illusive concept and struggling in every manner to find it. But in that instant, that “something” was no longer lost. The repercussions of this gift were profound. Everything changed and in ways I would have never imagined.
When I woke from the dream, I felt empty. I wanted that “something” back but I didn’t have telepathic aquatic orbs to make it happen. I somehow knew at that moment that the most important objective I had in life was to find that incredible feeling of “Love.”
WHAT IS LOVE?
Most likely you have heard the saying, “Love is the answer . . . what is the question? This simply means that the most basic answer or solution to the most troubling of questions is love–what would love do? Love seems to be the answer to all the simple yet complex solutions that I will propose to those who choose to read my words, yet there is one major snafu. That is, a common and simple definition that everyone can agree upon as to what Love is.
Love. What is it? Why is something so vital to our existence so profoundly difficult to put into words? How does one describe this complex but fundamental feeling? Is it a feeling or some other feeling or sensation that is being mistaken for Love? How does one learn about Love? Could their experiences have taught them something that is different than what another person experiences as Love? Questions, questions and more questions are created from asking this one question. If Love is so important, then why is it so difficult to define?
I’m not so presumptuous to believe that I have any particular qualification to even begin to approach this philosophical question with any credibility. All I have is my short life of experiences and a temperament of unquenchable curiosity that has led me to some kind of understanding of Love. This working theory is only a beginning context from which to apply and practice the concept of what I believe Love could be. For what I have discovered about Love is that it has no end to its complexities and applications. But, having a foundation on which to build a common ground on the concept of this monumental driving force of life is important.
There are so many different forms of what Love could be. As I began researching and working with others in exploring the concept of the definition of Love, I discovered that most people equate Love with some kind of action– you know, “Love is a verb.” There seems to be many different forms of the action of Love such as a mother taking care of her child, a father spending time with his son, someone giving their own time to another or any general self-sacrifice. During holidays or birthdays, I have heard others refer to the number of presents they got by replying to the question: “How much love did you get?” So, is Love measured somehow by the monetary amount that one gives or the time and resources they sacrifice to others? I would hope not! It is easy for me to see that inauthentic service or charity to others can be twisted to become a blatant act of selfishness. I believe that service and charity shouldn’t be involved in defining Love but a natural result of expressing Love.
While searching through the accumulated knowledge and wisdom of authors of all types, shapes, sizes and kinds, one sentence in one book put me on a path that has led me to the most basic yet profound definition of Love.
Love is, “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”
– Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled.
When I first read this statement, it resounded so profoundly within, that I read it again and again, and again and it became more confusing each time I reread it. But why then did it have such a deep impact on me? Maybe it was because I didn’t know what spiritual growth was or why that was even important. But, I pondered the idea that defining spiritual growth would be a bit easier to define than Love. So, I decided to start there.
Again, this became a complex concept to whittle down into a simple definition. Maybe, I’m over simplifying many of these concepts, but stick with me. It’s not my intent to write a scholarly paper on the all-encompassing definitions of such complex natures as the ones I am attempting to define, but to cut through all the mental junk and arrive at simple truth. Once at the truth, go back and plug in all the complexities and obscure concepts to see if they fit within the parameters of where and what I’m trying to achieve. Besides, trying to write all that would lead to boredom (blah, blah, blah). Let’s just get to the point and see what comes from there.
Spiritual Growth (the most basic way I can describe it) is the development of a person’s inner path enabling oneself to discover and comprehend the essence of their being, or the core values and meanings by which they live their life. Well, that makes perfect sense? Not!
Let’s look at it this way—we are born innocent and through the interactions with the physical world we become distorted by the beliefs, concepts, desires, emotions, and actions of others. We adopt these things into our lives and use them as long as they function well enough for us. Then at times, we experience something new that suggests that one of our old adopted beliefs if incorrect. We change and adopt the new way of being into our existence. This goes on and on throughout our lives—random happenstance defines our spiritual progression. It’s a reactive state of unconsciousness and a psychological nightmare of codependency.
But in some rare situations, someone wakes up. Something deep within them yearns for more meaning. They desire to take control of their life instead of just reacting to it. This moment of self-realization is when a person takes the next step into self-awareness. By distinctively recognizing their individual emotions and the sources from where they arise, they begin to comprehend the true nature of the core values and meanings by which they live their lives. The more one comes to understand their emotions condition, the more they begin to recognize and understand the actions of others. And by comprehending the actions and reactions of others they begin to see how their own actions and reactions affect everything and everyone around them. They are no longer an individual aspect but a living being interacting in a larger organism. Unconsciousness to Awareness.
So, in other words, self-awareness is the first step in spiritual growth. Let’s rewrite Mr. Pecks statement as follows:
Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s self-awareness.
Okay then, how do you nurture your own or another’s self-awareness? Jeez . . . it just seems one thing leads to another with no end in sight. But this is important so I’m not giving up.
I have heard the following quote from many different sources in many different forms, but the ultimate truth is self-evident. So, I apologies to the originator of this fantastic bit of wisdom for not being able to give them credit in my writing, but thank you, thank you, thank you!
The ability to Love anything or anyone else is directly equivalent to the ability to Love yourself.
Oh, my Gawd! We’re right back to the original question. In order for someone to Love anything or anyone else, they need to first Love themselves. But how do you Love yourself if you don’t know what Love is?
I think the answer to this question goes back to the self-awareness thing. When we nurture our own emotional awareness, we come to understand ourselves more profoundly. The more we understand ourselves, the better we understand others. And the more we understand others, the more we understand ourselves. Kind of begins to give a little more depth to the commandment, “love your neighbor as yourself (Bible. Mark 12:31).” When we truly understand ourselves, we have compassion towards ourselves. We begin to comprehend why we do what we do. There is meaning to our existence and actions. We begin to interact with others in this awareness, judgment turns into empathy—and empathy is the desire to truly understand another. But consider the commandment of “love your neighbor as yourself.” Most people (including myself) exist in a state of self-hatred; so maybe fewer people than we think are violating this commandment. Sobering thought.
Remember that dream I described about the orbs? The orbs were a tool to take the human consciousness to the next evolutional step of their existence. With that came the total and perfect comprehension of self and others. No longer was anyone an individual, but part of a whole. Contemplate on what it would be like to completely be understood by another person. Then think back throughout your life to a moment when you remember experiencing Love. Evaluate that memory to see if in that moment you were being understood.
True understanding of another takes an enormous amount of work. It requires one to set aside their beliefs, desires, principle, values and feelings to unconditionally listen to and comprehend what another is trying to communicate. Really, think about it, how often do you LISTEN to another unconditionally without your own feelings and thoughts formulating concepts in your head by making judgments before the other person has even finished explaining themselves? How often do we react to others by trying to force them to exist in our own personally defined reality of the world? I wanted others to know me, but I separated myself from them with my own judgements. I wanted them to understand my reality, but at the same time, I wasn’t allowing them to explain their reality. Evaluating that aspect, I needed to overcome my selfishness so I could experience that “something.” Wow! this is not going to be easy. I realized that I was going to have to fundamentally change myself before I could even begin to understand the illusive concept of love.
So, I created a formula for defining Love:
Love = a moment of perfect understanding.
Am I audacious enough to try to define an emotional condition with a mental equation? I think that in this instance it helps to have a mental foundation on which to build an emotional concept. And, what is an emotion but that of a biochemical recording of neural pathways in a physical brain. Probably more to the fact, most have yet to truly discover the complexities of emotions and understand their implication in their own lives yet alone define an emotion as confusing as Love.
Emotional Awareness seems to be is a fundamental principle in self-awareness. If everyone on this world were emotionally aware and gave the opportunity for others to relate their emotional awareness in a way for others to comprehend their definition of reality, would war and oppression predominate our mortal condition? Probably not. So yes, I am audacious in defining Love as a mental concept. BUT!!! I would ask for you to test it out. Plug in the word “understanding” where ever you would use the word love. See if you would agree that by truly understanding another is one of the ultimate ways in which we can show another Love. I think the most valuable test is to try it out. Spend time with someone where you put an effort forth to understand the person you are with. See what happens and were it goes.
This simple, simple definition has changed me and opened a universe of understanding/love. Why do people feel that a higher power Loves them, because It has perfect understanding of who they are and why they do what they do. And can Love grow? Yes, because there is no end to truth or understanding.
Love is, “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s UNDERSTANDING.” Or
UNDERSTANDING is, “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s love.”
But having a formula for defining love doesn’t teach someone what love is or how to experience it. The adventure has only just begun . . .
THE CONUNDRUM OF LOVE
A conundrum is something puzzling, confusing, or mysterious—where the solution to the question is also the problem. That is exactly what I encountered in my quest for love.
The ability to Love anything or anyone else is directly equivalent to the ability to Love yourself.
How do you love yourself? How do you love someone else? One response to this question in my search for answers explained that we learn to love ourselves through loving others. Here is the paradox—in learning to love yourself, you need to love others. But your ability to love others is dependent on your ability to love yourself. Mind spinning? Love God . . . but in order to love God you need to love yourself. And loving yourself gives you the capacity to love God. So where do you begin? Ever watch a mouse in an exercise wheel? That’s a pretty accurate analogy in this instance. This is the puzzle of mortal life—trying to solve the mystery of how to love others then how to love yourself or how to love yourself so you can love others.
I was the rodent in the exercise wheel running as fast as I could. My spiritual progression had stopped and everything I did seemed fruitless. I was stuck in an unending cycle that imprisoned my soul. I began to see the horrifying truth that who and what I defined myself as being, was nothing more than what others desired me to become. I had no sense of self-identity or self-worth. Fear was my motivator and the reason behind all my choices. I was stuck in a world where I reacted to the situations of my life. A victim mentality where bitterness and injustice filled my heart. The concept of love was beyond me. Living in this self-created reality of this world day after day had eroded the sensitivity of my emotions until I had become numb; unconscious, asleep and on autopilot. My world and my desires centered around only myself. Others were just a means to an end to get what I wanted. I had no regard for their time, efforts or personal ambitions. People, places and things were either tools or obstacles in my endeavors in obtaining my desires. And the even scarier part . . . I didn’t really have any personal desires or ambitions. What I believed were ambitions were only ways to prove to myself that I was worthy. My accomplishments filled my wall of pride from floor to ceiling. Certificates, awards, letters of appreciation, honors of all kinds, all framed with care and displayed to the world to prove my worth and value. People regarded me as a leader, a motivator, a public speaker and teacher unparalleled in verbal affluence. Someone to show them how to set goals and get what they wanted in life. I hungered for their admiration and devotion.
But I was alone. Even though I was surrounded by people, phone ringing off the hook, the center of attention in numerous projects and activities, a teacher whose creativity and entertaining approach to teaching had won him the hearts of his students; I was still alone. Totally and utterly alone. I had unknowingly and unintentionally created this isolating reality for myself. I did it out of fear—fear that others, if they really knew my true intentions would no longer respect and associate with me. Not even my family really “knew” me. Then one night when deciding if I should get married, truth smashed me flat. Even this person, who I treasured spending time with, who seemed to understand me better than anyone else, didn’t know me. I realized that the biggest motivating factor in the idea of marriage was to end the onslaught of pressure and questions of why I wasn’t married. I was using this person to hide the biggest secrets of my life. I had become an unfeeling, uncaring, self-centered monster. All my hard work and accomplishments had been motivated only for my need of approval from others. And I had accomplished a lot, but it was hollow. What to the world seemed like charity was in reality . . . greed.
This trap—the passions of the mind and the illusions that the physical world uses to confound the concept of love, get us stuck. How many people are stuck, to one degree or another, in this deep rut? And the thing about ruts, once you get into them, getting out gets more difficult the further and deeper you go. Eventually, you get completely stuck with mud up to the frame. I found myself deep in the rut covered in gooey, sticky, slimy mud. At this point I was forced to stop and evaluate my situation—my life. What I found seemed hopeless. A raw pain that emanated from the profound sense of self-hated of what I had become, consumed me. And what I did next was seemed the only way to get out. I tried to kill myself.
I had in my possession a 30-30 rifle that my father had left in my care. After sitting on my couch holding the loaded rifle for what seem like eternity, I placed the butt of the riffle on the floor and the barrel in my mouth and reached down and pushed the trigger. It clicked. Only having one shell, I shook uncontrollably as I reloaded the gun and repeated the process. CLICK. Nothing. I threw the rifle across the room and fell onto the floor with my legs pulled up to my chest as wave after wave of indescribably painful emotions pulsated through me. Agony and darkness that I lack words to describe began to swallow me. Then without warning, it stopped.
I found myself free from the torturing pain, laying on a smooth, warm stone step. The light was blinding after coming from such a dark place. As my eyes adjusted I found myself at the feet of a being of brilliant countenance. Looking at this being was like looking at the silver edge of a cloud just before the sun breaks from behind. Waves of rainbows-like light emanated from all parts of its body. When I fully recognized and comprehended what I was seeing, I tried to scrunch down and hide behind the step. I was filled with such shame of what I had tried to accomplish. Again, the grief hit me and I shook with sobs of pain. I felt one hand lift me, while another gently cupped my face and lifted it so our eyes met. LOVE . . . perfect and pure, filled me. Words boomed inside my mind, “YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND NEVER HAVE BEEN. LOOK!” As I came more aware of my surrounding, I found myself on a raised stone platform surrounded by countless people kneeling and looking at me with eyes full of love and understanding. They seemed to be of every race and nationality. They were dressed in costumes that seemed to represent the entire history of time. The strangest thing occurred as I looked into the eyes of one after another of the people present. I knew them perfectly. I knew every aspect of them insomuch that I lost my identity in them. I was each of them and they were me. Understanding and purpose filled me. It was as if the complex solution of an immense puzzle was being shown to me, and it made perfect sense. Then it was over.
I was lying on my back on the floor staring straight up at the ceiling. I lay there as perfect understanding faded from my consciousness. Then the real world and memories flooded into me. I screamed, “help” weakly reaching for the somewhere I had just been. Again, words BOOMED within me, “THE WAY HAS BEEN PREPARED.” I received a gift at that moment. A very small flame of hope began to burn within.
This was the turning point in my life. Life got much harder before it began to get better. But now I had that gift. That small flame of hope within gave me strength. The memory of the strange experience filled my existence with some kind of purpose. I was alive after trying to blow a hole in my head . . . twice. Had some higher power intervened to save me from leaving this world before I completed some kind of mission? An unanswerable question but fuel for my flame of hope. And that dream, vision, out-of-body experience . . . WOW! What was that? It took me years to begin to comprehend its significance.
How had I fallen so far? How had I become so captive? So many questions and only one thing I did know for sure—I did not love the person I had become. And without self-love I was at a loss to experience or even comprehend what it felt like to be loved or to love. The conundrum—the puzzle of mortal life. It was this very riddle that led to my awakening.
My father was a leader in the religion in which I was raised. During several presentations at various gatherings he shared a story about a Gardener that went to work in an old neglected orchard. In this orchard was a current bush that had been growing out of control for several years. The Gardener new that the current bush needed to be pruned in order for it to produce good fruit. As he began to prune the current bush he heard the bush speak to him. “What are you doing to me? I had grown so big and wide and you have cut me back to nothing but a bunch of stumps. You have destroyed me.” The Gardener replied, “I know what is best for you. In order to become what you were intended to be—a current bush that produces good fruits, you need to be cut back and pruned. You can’t see it now, but this is for your own good.” That paraphrased story stuck with me throughout my life. I don’t think it was coincidence that my professional training and skills took me into horticulture where that analogy has such influence on my understanding.
The Great Gardener of Life or the Creator knows what is best for us. It sees this life experience form a different viewpoint. It knows that our capacity and awareness of Self can only be expanded through trials and challenges. It doesn’t see things in terms of good and bad but in experiences gained and lessons learned.
Think about this . . . if everyone on this physical world did only good—no one ever harming, doing anything that would offend or cause difficulties to anyone else, what would we be like? Would we be this bunch of real happy people enjoying a perfect life? No! We wouldn’t comprehend the happiness, peace and joy we were experiencing. We would have no capacity to compare our experience to anything else. Opposition creates capacity and awareness.
Let me try to demonstrate through an experience I had. I knew this person who had been in prison for a time. Shortly after his release he climbed to the top of a mountain with a friend. As they both sat on the top of the mountain looking out over a broad and beautiful valley, the man who had just recently been released from prison began to laugh and cry at the same time. His friend looked at him confused. “What’s going on?” he asked. The man replied, “I feel so incredibly free!” Because freedom had been taken from this man where he spent years in a small 8×12-foot cell, he had a greater capacity to experience freedom than the man who had been free his entire life.
Think about this: Are all the people in your life, that have hurt you either physically or emotionally, evil or bad? Or, are they the mechanisms that have enabled your consciousness to expand and your capacity to experience grow? You wouldn’t be who you are today without their effects in your life. And you won’t become who you are destined to become without their complicating influences. So, as I regale the story of my life with all the destruction and carnage I left in my path as well as the victories of self-mastery and moments of self-realization understand that life is a rollercoaster for a reason. I have sat for hours contemplating on whether or not I should share the dark moments of my life in such a public forum. I decided that it is those defining moments that shaped and formed me into what I am today. By understanding my experiences, you understand me as a writer a bit better and hopefully you will be able to relate with my story and grow through my experiences.
How to solve the conundrum of Love? The answer lies in understanding our purpose for living. This is a world of trial and hardship. We come here to learn, to grow and progress. Without this proving ground, we would be infantile souls never progressing or learning. Who were all the people in my strange vision-like experience, and why did I understand them so perfectly? Because they were me and I was them or would become them in other lives. And more important, who was the glorified entity that gave me the gift of hope and shared such a moment of perfect love that I will not forget in this life? It was also me! I am not this physical form but something greater. This life is one of the many aspects of who “I am.” I am already perfect at some level and so perfection is within me. I am like a bulbous root (onion, garlic, etc.) with layers upon layers. At my core is perfection. As I peal through one layer after another I gain greater understanding of who I am. And what is Love? Love is moments of perfect understanding. As I learn to understand myself better and my true nature (Spirit, Mind/Soul, and Body), my love for self grows. And one way to understand myself better is to truly comprehend and understand others. By understanding (loving) others I love myself. And by loving myself, I increase my capacity to love others
If loving others is as easy as coming to understand them, then why is it so hard? Why on a planet crowded with 7.5 billion people are so many alone? Why am I alone? Is that why I’m slipping? I don’t have any traction in socks.
